There is a saying about the Japanese: “Born Shinto, married Christian, died Buddhist.” As with many idioms, it says a lot about the culture that has produced it. That is especially true in this country, with its unique mix of religious influences and current relationship to matters of faith. By most measures, Japan is considered one of the most secular countries in the world, but it is nevertheless a country where spirituality is incorporated into daily life in countless and subtle ways.

I first came across a Shinto wedding at the enormous Hachiman Shrine in Kamakura over a decade ago. Shinto is the original religion of Japan (in imperial times, the officially one). But in some ways it is not a religion at all—at least not an organized one. It is a system of folkloric beliefs that existed in Japan long before Buddhism came, and has influenced Japanese Buddhism rather than being overwhelmed by it. I was fascinated by that Shinto wedding, full of mysterious rituals that I could not even fathom. I had no idea that it was a ceremony that was barely a century old.

The truth is that there were no Shinto weddings before about 1880. There were (unusually) ceremonies performed by ritual dancers (katsurame) whose role was to protect the bride from demons. But no weddings as such, and it is not entirely clear why there are sporadic records of them beginning at this time. Some speculate that the decline of state-sponsored Jinja in the 1880s is responsible. In fact, Shinto marriages remained relatively rare until Prince Yoshihito married in a Shinto ceremony at the Imperial Palace in Tokyo in 1900.

This event seems to have been significant in more ways than one. Meiji era. Japan was becoming more Westernized than ever before, and this included an evolving view of marriage as a partnership (to some extent) between a man and a woman. It is ironic that a more Westernized view of marriage would cause a spike in Shinto ceremonies to celebrate it, but at the time, Shinto ceremonies were largely the only option for those who wanted a formal service. As might be expected, Prince Yohihito’s wedding sparked copycats among social climbers and those who wanted to appear trendy. This remained largely the case until after the war, when the lower classes began to participate in large numbers.

So is a Shinto wedding, anyway? First of all, it’s worth noting that shrines are largely open-air events, so you don’t have to disrupt the celebration if you happen to stumble across one and want to attend. As with most Shinto rituals, the wedding ceremony is built around purification. A priest and miko (sacred maiden) are present. Brides always wear formal kimonos, but grooms sometimes wear formal Western attire. The exchange of sake (its role in Shinto is an article in itself) between the bride and groom is perhaps the pivotal moment. Three pours, of increasing size, are shared. Three is the crucial number here, as is often the case in Shinto. Three pours, consumed in three sips, shared three times. This is called the san-san-ku-do (three-three-nine times).

At this point, there is an exchange of vows—though only the groom offers them. Reflecting the preeminence of arranged marriages in Japanese history, a matchmaker (nakoddo) is thanked – whether there is one or not. Offerings of sake, fruit or other food are made by the bride and groom, and then their immediate family. Rings are exchanged (seemingly a concession to Western wedding tradition). There is a group that drinks sake with the eponymous “Kanpai”, and the priest offers various prayers (usually to Izanagi and Izanami, brother-sister/husband-wife creator gods) – often asking for things like harmony and of course fertility. The entire ceremony usually lasts about 20-30 minutes.

As noted, this ceremony was democratized after World War II and at its peak comprised about 90% of formal wedding ceremonies performed in Japan. But recall the old adage I started the article with. In recent decades, that number has dropped to about 50% – and is probably even lower now. And of course, it’s the Christian weddings that make up the difference. Of course, most Japanese aren’t Christian – only about 2-3% of the country is, including expats. But for most Japanese, a “Christian” wedding is no more a religious event than Christmas. I’m reminded of something director Micheal Dudok de Wit said during our interview a few years ago. When he was talking to the likes of Takahata Isao and Suzuki Toshio during the co-production of The red turtle with Ghibli they generally called all western films “christian films”. For them the terms were interchangeable.

So – what is a “Christian” wedding in Japan? To understand this, one must understand the (complicated) concept of little mouse. This is another Japanese term that can’t be translated into one English word, but it more or less means non-religious. But not – there seems to be an implication of spirituality as well. So maybe it’s better to say “non-affiliated” – and as such it encompasses the majority of the Japanese population. Japanese church weddings are a reflection of this – in the vast majority of cases they have no religious significance whatsoever (again, like Christmas). Still, they’re often held in churches, with a minister officiating. Frankly, it’s all about putting on a good show.

As for the mechanics of the ceremony, it is generally a standard Protestant affair. The father walks the bride down the aisle and gives her away. Vows are exchanged, rings too. Hymns are sung. Unless the minister is Japanese (which is usually the case), the ceremony is conducted in a mix of Japanese and English (or rarely another foreign language). It should also be noted that due to the relative rarity of actual churches in many parts of Japan—and the irrelevance of the religious aspect to the parties involved—the “wedding chapel” industry has become a multibillion-dollar business here. Most of these are not the flashy Vegas-style affairs that most Americans would imagine, but are a kind of classic Japanese funhouse mirror interpretation of a Western concept.

The other part of this assignment was to make a list of my favorite anime about married people. I knew that would be hard. But until I actually started trying think some I didn’t realize how hard. Honestly, there’s not much, even if you include “effectively married” couples. This is a theme that anime has largely ignored, and while I’ll admit there may be a few good ones that I’ve forgotten, there just aren’t many worthy examples. And I don’t see much point in including series that I’ve dropped (like Danna ga Nani wo Itteiru and Wakaranai Ken) or not watched at all.

I have to start with Tonikaku-cawaii. It’s the first thing that came to mind, and after thinking about it for a long time, it remains the most important example for me. Granted, this couple is terribly young (or old, depending on how you look at it), but we do get to see the ups and downs of the daily lives of young married people in modern Japan. I love this show, but it’s those slice of life episodes where I think it works best.

The next one for me is Natsuyuki meeting. In a way, it’s a bit of a cheat, because – well, I won’t spoil it, but the fantasy element means that this isn’t a traditional married couple. Nevertheless, this is a mature, subtle show that really shows us the complicated feelings between a man and a woman (both in their past and present). I really like this show, and it’s very underrated.

After that (yes, both shows) it gets much harder for me. We have Clannad After Story of course, which is probably the Platonic ideal of a married anime couple for many fans. But Sound has never done much for me – I find it rather button-pushing, manipulative and over the top. It’s Maeda Jun at his most self-absorbed, and for Key I prefer Cannon (with Hisaya Naoki as the main creative voice) and Little RascalsBut if you are looking for a married anime, then this is definitely the right choice.

I’m going to throw too Shinigami Bocchan vs. Kuro Maid here, which – as good as it is – shows how dry this subject is. If you’ve seen it, you know why, but hey, it technically qualifies and I really like Bocchan and Alice as a couple. And I’ll close with Jiisan Baasan Wakagaerubecause while no masterpiece is undeniably a series that focuses on a married couple. And it actually does a beautiful job of portraying the depth of love a couple can feel for each other in the December month of their journey, and the futile wish that they might never have to say goodbye. And there aren’t many anime that we can say that about.

Thanks again to Nicc for commissioning this article.